Judaism's Hidden Lesson on Love
Beyond Transactional Relationships
In Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables, one moment changes everything. Jean Valjean has been arrested for stealing silver placesettings from a bishop.
The arresting officers bring Valjean back to the bishop's home. But instead of condemning him, the bishop hands him two additional silver candlesticks and tells the officers, ‘He forgot these. I gave them to him as well.’
This single act shatters Valjean’s worldview. It is not a transaction—where punishment would have been expected—but a covenantal act of radical kindness. It transforms Valjean into a new person.
The World We Live In: A Transactional Age
This scene strikes me because radical kindness feels out of place in today's world. So much of life is transactional.
We order rides with Uber, pay our bills with a few clicks, and even friendships can sometimes feel like an exchange of favors rather than a deep well of trust.
The ease of technology promotes this feeling. Everything is an exchange. It adds a lot of convenience.
But when everything becomes a transaction, we risk losing something vital: depth, meaning, and enduring happiness.
The Need for Covenantal Relationships
What we crave—what truly fulfills us—are covenantal relationships. Connections that go beyond mere exchange, rooted in commitment, trust, and mutual care.
The wisdom of Pirkei Avot, an ancient Jewish text, captures this beautifully:
“Any love dependent upon something, when that thing disappears, the love disappears; but love that is not dependent upon something never disappears.”
Covenantal relationships, unlike transactional ones, are not about keeping score. They are about showing up, again and again, because the relationship itself is the reward.
Love is Not a One-Time Contract
There's a classic joke: A wife asks her husband why he never says, ‘I love you.’ He grumbles, ‘I told you I love you on our wedding day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.’
Beneath the humor lies a profound misunderstanding—love is not a contract signed once, but a living, breathing force that requires continual renewal.
How to Cultivate Covenantal Relationships
1. Embrace Vulnerability
True connection is built in moments of authenticity.
Martin Buber spoke of “I-Thou” relationships—where we see and honor the full humanity of the other person, rather than treating them as a means to an end. When we allow ourselves to be seen—our fears, hopes, strengths, and weaknesses—we invite trust and deepen our relationships.
2. Reaffirm Commitment Regularly
Love is not a one-time declaration. Neither is friendship, loyalty, or trust.
Unlike a business deal with set terms, covenantal relationships require ongoing care—small, daily acts of kindness, acknowledgment, and gratitude.
I always tell couples I marry that the little things are the big things.
The little things are the texts we send just to say, ‘Thinking of you,’ in the way we listen without checking our phones, in the moments we show up when it matters most.
3. Give Without Keeping Score
Transactional relationships thrive on reciprocity—‘I did this for you, now you owe me.’
Covenantal relationships, by contrast, invite generosity without expectation. Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel reminds us that true meaning is found not in convenience but in commitment.
The most fulfilling relationships are not those where we count favors but those where giving itself is the joy.
4. Create Rituals of Connection
Rituals give structure to our commitments.
A weekly call to a friend, a monthly dinner with family, an annual trip with loved ones—these are not just events; they are symbols of ongoing dedication.
In Jewish tradition, Shabbat serves as a reminder of shared bonds and deeper purpose. What are the rituals in your life that reinforce your most cherished connections?
5. Change the Language You Use
Words shape our reality.
Phrases like ‘What’s in it for me?’ or ‘If you do this, I’ll do that,’ reinforce transactional thinking. Instead, cultivate language that nurtures connection:
‘I’m here for you.’
‘We’ll figure it out together.’
‘You matter to me.’
Shifting the way we speak shifts the way we relate.
The Power of Choosing Covenant Over Transaction
At the heart of it all, covenantal relationships remind us that life is more than a series of negotiations.
Meaning is found in the spaces between transactions, in the moments where we love without condition, give without expectation, and show up not because we have to—but because we want to.
So, take a moment. Think about your relationships.
Which ones have become transactional?
Which ones hold the potential for something deeper?
How can you start cultivating the kind of connections that don’t just last, but truly enrich your life?
Because in the end, covenantal relationships offer us something priceless: the profound joy of being known, accepted, and valued—not for what we bring to the table, but simply for who we are.
Transactional relationships are necessary. Covenantal relationships are sacred.