How My Thinking on Happiness Has Changed

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My brother-in-law is a Boston Red Sox fan.

When he goes to a Red Sox-Yankees game at Yankee Stadium, he will dress in full Red-Sox gear.

So what happens when the Yankees score? Well, most of the fans surrounding him stand up and clap and cheer.

And he puts his head in his hands.

But what happens when the Red Sox score? You guessed it.

He's cheering while Yankees fans are largely silent or booing.

The same event makes one person happy and another person sad. This phenomenon is not only true in sports. It happens everywhere.

Have you ever seen a movie or listened to a sermon with a friend and then had opposite reactions to it?

Have you ever shared a meal, and you loved it while your friend hated it?

Happiness is subjective. Every individual has different tastes and preferences.

Of course, certain things like ice cream or pizza appeal to most people! But one person's delight is often another's misery.

The older you get, the more you realize this truth. Our different preferences make life interesting.

The subjective nature of happiness, however, makes it difficult for those of us who study what makes for a happy life.

Since everyone is different, we cannot come up with a formula for a happy life.

Now I argued in my book on happiness that certain practices tend to lead to a happier life over time. But my thinking has changed over the last few years.

What seems more important to me now is not identifying the path to happiness, but figuring out what detracts from happiness.

That’s because knowing what does not work gives us clarity into what does.

This focus is consistent with biblical principles. Think about the Ten Commandments.

Eight commandments start with Thou Shalt Nots. Only two are Thou Shalts! So God wants us to figure out what not to do.

With that in mind, here are a few of the Thou Shalt Nots of happiness.

1. Thou Shalt Not Compare: As social animals, we constantly compare ourselves to others.

But there is always somebody more intelligent, better looking, more devout, richer, or whatever you can think of. To compare is to despair.

Now you might think it is unavoidable. Since we are social animals, can we really avoid comparing ourselves to others?

We cannot avoid it entirely, but we can become better at resisting it.

The great French philosopher and theologian Rene Girard urged us to "look up, not around."

In other words, strive for higher more meaningful goals rather than keeping up with the Jones.

Compare yourself to who can become rather than who others are.

2. Thou Shalt Not Always Insist You are Right: Life is not math. In questions of happiness, there is rarely one right answer.

And insisting that our answer is the right one can undermine and sabotage our most important relationships.

Instead of always striving to be right, I suggest seeking to be kind.

Instead of being stubborn, try to be effective.

A stubborn clinging to one's own point of view can feel good in the short run. But in the long run, it can destroy relationships.

An open heart can hold more love.

3. Thou Shalt Not Label Others: Every label is a lie. Okay, not every label. You can label a ziplock bag with a date or a quantity of food.

But when we label others, we reduce them. They become a category rather than a full human being.

Now sometimes labels can serve a useful purpose. People have different needs.

Knowing my brother-in-law is a Red Sox fan means I will never give him a Yankees hat.

But too often a label leads us to stop thinking. It clouds our view of someone.

They become a series of checkboxes—a certain race or ethnicity or job—rather than a varied, complex human being. 

That oversimplification makes it more difficult to form meaningful relationships. And relationships are a key building block for happiness.

The bigger problem is that labeling another person reflects a certain way of thinking. It comes from a worldview that sees life as a problem to be solved rather than a mystery to embrace.

Rather than label, we can love. And when we see the complexity of the other in ourselves, we can love with the fullness of our being.